Coconut Milk Berry Smoothie (Keto)

8oz Servings: 3 Calories per Serving: 242 Net Carbs per Serving: 5


  • 1 1/2 cups Coconut Milk (13oz can)
  • 1/2 cup Berries of your choice*
  • 2-3 squirts of Liquid Stevia
  • 4 Ice Cubes
  • Optional: other healthy fats, whey protein, etc.


  1. Pour the entire can of coconut milk into your blender
  2. Add 1/2 cup of berries to the blender
  3. Add 2 squirts of liquid Stevia, & any extra ingredients
  4. Blend on high for about 10 seconds
  5. Add the 4 ice cubes, then use the ice setting to blend all of the ingredients together
  6. You drink it. Duh 🙄

“I’m just not ready for a relationship,” Translated

From a text I sent to one of my female friends who is enjoying being single & on her own, for the first time in nearly 2 decades:

That’s really cool 😊 I’m so glad you’re enjoying yourself. I definitely enjoyed the 1.5 years I spent (mostly) single, & it took a lot to make me “settle down” so to speak :p It helps that this relationship isn’t inherently the end of sexual adventure; it just means I now have a partner in crime 😉

Your last message reminded me of something I’ve tried several times to explain to a couple of my more oblivious male friends (unfortunately with limited success :/) I sometimes feel like I’m translating woman-speak; not because women are these inherently mysterious alien creatures, of course, but because most of us have internalized the cultural messages that we have to tiptoe around the male ego, lest a man feel sad, or worse, angry :/

Anyway, the thing I’ve found myself repeating is that when a woman says “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now,” she isn’t lying… but as is the case with a lot of the “soft no’s” women learn to give men, the subtext you should always add to the end of the sentence is “with you.”

& of course a lot of women really aren’t ready/don’t want to be in a relationship at that point in their lives. But the other thing I try to drive home is that someday, she’s going to meet someone who changes her mind about that. & she’s already met you. You’re not going to be that guy. Waiting around assuming she’ll eventually decide she is ready to date again will just mean seeing her decide to start dating someone else.

Sorry for all that, I know I’m preaching to the choir :p Just something I’ve found frustrating with some of my male friends, especially when we were in our late teens/early 20s. Most of my boys are really careful & conscientious, but a couple can occasionally be self-deluding dipshits 😅

Fruit Coffee Cake & Cobbler Recipes

These are some of my original fruit coffee cake & fruit cobbler recipes. I’ll be adding a few more types of cobbler as I figure them out.

UPDATE: I’ve added a recipe, & a photo, in case you end up with leftover coffee cake batter & a can of pears.


…Yes, that is the shape of a cock & balls, in profile, made out of raspberries, on top of a raspberry coffee cake.

Continue reading “Fruit Coffee Cake & Cobbler Recipes”

kidvelociraptor’s Original Muffin Recipe

I’d like to think that I’ve perfected a muffin recipe base that can be easily altered to create any flavor. All one needs to do is add in the extra ingredients at the appropriate time, such as flavoring extracts, liqueurs, spices, ground zest, berries, fruits, jam, chocolate chips, crushed cookies or candy bars, candy pieces, nuts, food dye, cinnamon & brown sugar in melted butter, etc. Give it a try!

kidvelociraptor’s Basic Muffin Recipe
(Makes 12 XL Muffins & 12 Minis)

1 cup Oil or 2 Sticks Butter
1.5 cups White Granulated Sugar
1 pinch Salt
1 Tsp Vanilla Extract
(Optional: Food Dye, Flavor Extracts, Liqueur, Spices, Zest, etc.)
2 Eggs (Optional: 1 Egg + 3 Tbsp Egg White from carton)
1.5 cups Milk or Yogurt
1 1/2 Tbsp Baking Powder
4 cups All-Purpose Flour (Optional: Try substituting 1 cup of Cake Flour)
(Optional: Berries, Fruit, Nuts,
White or Milk Chocolate Chips, etc.)

1) In a large mixing bowl, melt butter, then cream with granulated sugar.
2) Add ingredients to batter in the order listed above, making sure to blend thoroughly before & after adding milk & eggs.
3) Mix in the baking powder & flour last, stirring until batter is thoroughly blended. (If adding fruit or berries, do so now.)
4) Preheat oven to 420 F. Line a muffin pan with paper baking cups, then fill each cup with batter. Bake for 15-20 min.

🔴 Cinnamon Swirl Coffee Cake 🔴

Filling Ingredients:
1/3 cup Melted Butter
1/3 cup Brown Sugar
1 Tbsp Cinnamon

Topping Ingredients:
1/2 cup Room-Temp Butter
1/2 cup Brown Sugar
1/2 cup Flour
1 Tbsp Cinnamon

1) Pour batter into each baking cup until 1/4 full, then add 1 Tbsp filling to each cup. Top off each cup with more batter, stopping when cups are 2/3 full (overfilled cups will leak cinnamon goo all over your muffin pan, which is not fun to clean off after it’s hardened in the oven.)
2) Blend topping ingredients until coarse, & sprinkle on top of each cup. (Simple Easy Alternative: Sprinkle cups with white or brown sugar.)

kidvelociraptor’s Original Breakfast Recipes

All following recipes are the original work of kidvelociraptor. If you want to repost the text elsewhere, just make sure that you credit me for the recipes, & include a link to this post. Thanks!

Note: I tend to mix & bake food in slightly unorthodox ways. If you’re more comfortable sticking to the standard methods of combining ingredients, it shouldn’t dramatically alter your outcome.

🍯 Kid Velociraptor’s Basic Pancake Batter Recipe
(Makes about 24 Med-Large Pancakes)

2.5 cups Flour
6 Tbsp Sugar
2.5 cups Milk
2 Eggs (Optional: 1 Egg + 3 Tbsp Egg Whites from carton)
2 Tbsp Oil or Melted Butter
2 Tbsp Vanilla
1/8 Tsp Salt
2 Tbsp Baking Powder
Optional: Blueberries, Raspberries, Diced Strawberries, Diced Apples, or Chocolate Chips
Continue reading “kidvelociraptor’s Original Breakfast Recipes”

Miscellaneous Thoughts, April 2015 Edition

My iPhone’s note program isn’t working, so this is the best place I could find to record & organize my thoughts.

Hanging out with Sarah seems like it might be the closest I could get to experiencing what it must be like for guys to interact with me. Sarah & I are both easily amused, with a low threshold for expressions of joy. We both laugh easily & often, as automatic as breathing. We’re both good listeners, attentive & present, & we listen in a way that makes the other person feel seen, & heard, & cared for. We intuitively leave them feeling as though they’re especially clever, & interesting, & funny, at least when they’re with us. But Sarah is sweeter, laughs even more easily, & can make me fall for all the same intuitive flirtation tactics I use with other people. It might sound manipulative, I don’t know, but I don’t think it is. Flirting & being friendly & attentive & laughing at stupid jokes allows me to enjoy conversations with almost anyone, & draw people out about the things that they’re the most passionate about, which always makes everything more interesting. & I make people feel good. What’s wrong with that? It’s practice for my eventual career as a courtesan 😉

…Wait, May is National Masturbation Month? That’s a thing? Ok, so it’s a actually been a thing since 1995, after Clinton fired Joycelyn Elders (Surgeon Gen) for saying masturbation is natural & awesome & should be taught in sex ed. Fuck Clinton. Just cause he masturbated into his interns & not with his hand doesn’t make him better than Elders. It makes him worse.